i really dont know what exactly i'm doing at this point of time.
i'm checking mails, transfering songs to my handphone and stoning in front of the computer.
seems like i got nothing better to do.
when i've tons of homework to clear.
11 essay outlines + 11 mindmaps + 2 chinese essays + whole pile of maths tutorials and practise paper.
kill me please.
i rather die.

seriously i dont feel like doing any of them.
i dont feel like studying at all.
i dont feel like taking A's anymore
can i just quit school?

cuz i know no matter what i do now isnt going to help.
i'm just drifting further and further away from my goals.
i dont think i can make it to university.
i'm just too stupid and lazy.
i've tuition for both physics and maths for many years,
but i still dont do well.
even people who dont have tuition can do better than me.
i really think i'm hopeless.

so what if i manage to just make it to university?
i cant afford it.
my parents cant, that's for sure.
and they wont pay for me.
cuz they are too broke themselves.
or rather they are not willing to spend their money on their children.
my freaking mum is going to further her studies again.
she just got her bachelor a year ago and now she wants to do her master.
damn.
does she knows how much that will cost?
if she got the money, why cant she just save up for mine and my sis's studies?
and i know she doesnt have the money.
she gonna loan from bank.
which means we'll be in debt.
and she's giving up part of her career because of her studies.
she has to forgo her weekend lessons at the centre because it clashes with some of her studies day.
this means she'll lose about 900bucks of income per month.
best.
i wonder what i'll have to eat for the next few years.
it's not as if she need the cert.
she already got a job and she's almost 50,
i really dont understand why the hell she still want to further her studies.
yes it's her interest, but what about my and my sis's future?
did she even spare a thought for us?
maybe i'm the one who is not sparing a thought for her.
sorry i'm not an understanding daughter.
but i think she's equally selfish.

so how am i going to study even if i can make it to university?
loan from bank again.
i wonder when can our family be free from debts at this rate.
and i'll have to pay for my loan myself after graduating.
use my own money to study?
i rather go work right after my A's.
or maybe just find a rich guy and marry off.
can just forget about studying.
haiz.

i'm just so disappointed with my mum.
she's not even willing to tell me and my sis about her going to do her master.
until she accidently said out a few days ago while she was out with sis and dad.
she got no choice but to tell sis everything.
so i got the info through my sis's mouth and not hers.
i really dont know what she's thinking.
neither do i know what i'm thinking.
i dont know how is our family going to hang on for the next few years with the reduce income.
if i can get into university, both mum and i will be studying.
that's mean lots of money is required every year for the next 4 years at least.
gosh.
and our stupid house is still on installment.
my smart parents gonna make me pay part of it once i've a stable job and CPF.
best.
i dont even know how long will i be staying in this house.

why are my parents like that?
why cant they be like other parents who always think and can sacrifice for their children?

i guess this is just my fate.

no matter what i said,
how much i complain,
nothing is gonna change.

just realised that i havent been clearing my mail box.
got like 68 emails!
i thought the trend of forwarding mails has stopped for a couple of years.
so i supposed this trend is back now?
weird.
but some of the mails are really quite meaningful and nice.
too bad i'm not one who will forward these type of things.

i havent been using friendster for quite some time.
just feel sianz about it already.
no mood to keep updating it too.
maybe i'll re-use it when i feel like it, after a few months?
i dont know.

not feeling good recently.
i dont know how to describe this feeling.
it's just,
weird.
i'm not upset,
neither am i happy.
i just dont know what has gotten into me.
i think i'm speaking a bit too much recently.
something is wrong when i talk too much.
i'm afraid i'll say things which i shouldnt.
so i should control my mouth before i speak nonsense.

i just feel like letting out something.
something which i myself also dont know what is it.
i wanna SCREAM!!!!!

the worldcup fever is on!
worldcup 2006 finals is going to start in less than one and a half hours time!
italy vs france!
come on italy, u must win the chapionship!
if not, i'll lose all my money, haha.
oh well, i already lost about 25bucks.
boohooho.
thanks to 'boi boi' who got me into the gambling mood.
that under-age girl is so into soccer and betting these days.
she can actually sleep then wake up to watch matches.
i thought she's a pig and sleeping is her everything, haha.
anyway she's asleep now and i'm online to keep myself awake.

watching soccer can really make one grow fat.
we bought sushi, chips, peanuts and ice-cream.
gonna eat and watch match at the same time.
weeeee.
sounds fun.
but it wasnt very fun yesterday when we lost money.
although germany won, we still lost everything.
cuz i bet on total goals.
never knew that yesterday's match can kick in so many goals.
boo.
bought draw for 90mins and italy as champion for this final.
pray hard that i win.
i just wanna earn back my loses.
please please please.

GO ITALY GO!

hmmm.
seems like i only have time to blog once in a week.
well well well.
i've bad time management as usual.

school reopen is really a bad thing.
especially when it is term 3 of year 2.
very very very bad.
we actually have ASP everyday!
mon is GP,
tue is maths,
thur is HCL,
fri is physics.
so i only have wed free.
plus i've tuition on mon and thur after school,
and maybe i'll attend night lesson on tue.
arrgh.
how NICE can my JC2 life be.

got back my blk test results.
D. O. O. C5.
guess what did i get D for?
it's HCL!!!
this is the 1st time i actually passed HCL blk test.
i never pass any HCL major test before.
how wonderful.
and i passed my GP too!
happy happy.
but i still failed physics and maths as usual,
when i've tuition for both the subjects.
sometimes i really think i'm stupid.
or maybe laziness is the real cause.
i cant blame anobody except for myself.
haiz.

i'm getting more and more worried.
for my future.
or do i even have one?
i dont want to end up like the character i acted in drama.
'xiao xian' said she can go NIE to become a chinese teacher.
but that's not what i really want.
it will only be my last resort.
of cuz i still hope i can get in university.
yet this dream seems so far,
i dont think i've enough time to get it in time...

everything was on the right path today.
at least nothing much went wrong.
my pimpled-face was covered up nicely with make-up,
my lion hair was amazingly much straighter and nicer today.
but too bad i didnt get to see the right person on the right day.
today is our 3rd month.
but it's his mum's bday too.
so well...
we didnt get to see each other,
and i realise we never had any celebrations before...
well, at least i feel more comfortable today,
with make-up and in my feminine clothes.
if i'm out with him, i'll have to dress more causal and dont put on make-up.
cuz he dont like me in make-up or dress too feminine.
weird huh.
but i dont think i'm giving in again.
not when we are going town.
i guess i've the rights to be myself.

i still feel bad towards him.
especially when we hang out together.
he's just so nice, at least from what i see.
and i feel guilty because until now i've yet to tell him about...
maybe he already knew, just that he didnt ask.
i just didnt dare and dont know how to pop the issue out.
i guess there's no need for him to know too.
i act blur, he act blur.
and we just continue to play along......
as friends......

with gary!

this is made up of chocolates' boxes!

world's biggest chocolate bar!

today is youth day holiday.
no school!
lalala.
went out in the afternoon with gary.
watched movie at the grand cathay.
wanted to watch 2.10pm show but tix were sold out when we reached
so we watched the 3.45pm one instead.
went to PS to rot.
there was a ceremony for this biggest chocolate in the world.
they are trying to make it to world record.
watched Temasek A cappella Group(TAG) perform.
they are only secondary school kids and they sing damn well!
especially the girl.
i'm in love with 'truly madly deeply' because of them, ha.

oh we watched 'superman returns'.
not as bad as i expected and not as good as what i-weekly rated it as.
perhaps i'm not those who loves fantasy or heroes.
a lot of shops at grand cathay is not yet ready.
shall go next time when all the shops are open.
there's ben&jerry!
i wanna eat their ice cream!
hee.

we walked down to wisma and had dinner at food republic.
rushed home to watch superband 2nd revival round!
i told myself, after today i cant go out so often le.
it's really time to settle down and study.
one and a half more months to prelims!
*SCREAMS*

saturaday 010706
spent the day in a very meaningless way i must say.
started off damn badly too.
was supposed to go east coast to cycle with him.
but we had some little quarrel since the previous night.
well i supposed it's my fault at 1st cuz i was the one who started attitude-ing him.
our date changed from sun to sat cuz he had some family gathering.
then he said he had to help his mum do house chores on sat.
it just turned me off, sorry.
and i said some comments which he took it too seriously.
end up he attitude me when we met.
whatever.
made me pissed off.
then he changed location to bugis, say go watch superband.
hello, i was in shorts and normal t-shirt and we are going bugis!
faints.
but what can i say.
we werent even talking to each other throughout the journey.
i seriously dont know why did we still meet up in the 1st place.
end up having a little quarrel.
he sort of scolded me for the 1st time.
finally he dare to scold me.
i guess it's better this way at times.

lucky peace came after the little storm.
lunch was ok.
didnt get to watch superband.
went to arcade to watch people play instead.
he played some games too and i just sat and watched stupidly.
he accompanied me back to khatib to take mahjong set from my sis and back again to dhoby ghaut to meet the girls.
the most meaningless day we had.
but at least he accompanied me throughout.

xling siying and i went fel's house at night to stay over.
mahjong session and soccer match!
wasted my time going back to take my mahjong set, in the end fel's mum managed to borrow from their neighbour.
it was really my unlucky day.
i lost every mahjong game.
xling siying and i played with fel's mum.
siying and i lost soccer bets too.
england is out!
sad sad sad.
but their skills is not really very good also.
it's their history that they never ever win at penalty.
lampard and gerrard didnt kick in!
and robinson didnt do his job well!
haiz.
brazil got out too!
so surprised.
maybe it's also good, if not it's so sianz that they always win.
at least now we know this worldcup champion will be some other country!
but i was half asleep throught that brazil-france match.
super tired already.
i slept on the floor till morning.
woke up at 9plus.
had breakfast and watched tv till 12plus.
got home and slept from 2 to almost 7.
best.
i'm a PIG!

friday 300606
last paper for this block test!
stayed back with xling, siying, fahizul, ah ben to watch the youth day concert.
went north point's kimage to cut hair after that.
thanks xling for accompanying.
my stupid hair looks really like a lion's hair now.
and my fringe is really short.
well, at least this time can really tell that i did cut my hair.
so now i've a screwed up pimple face and a screwed up lion's hair.
arrgh.

headed to town.
ate at paragon's dome cafe.
wanted to 'treat' xling to cakes cuz i've 10dollars vouchers.
but we were too hungry so ordered main courses also.
we were happily enjoying our lives.
ate till damn full!
end up it's really my treat for xling.
must pamper ourselves once in a bluemoon.

walked around after that.
from tangs to shaw to far east to scott to wisma.
more items are added to our wish list now!
i wonder when can these wishes be fulfilled, haiz.
xling bought clothes for both herself and her bro.
i'm her 'boyfriend' for the day cuz i paid for all the expenses.
kept using my card throughout.
how i wish i've a rich boyfriend who will really pay for all my expenses, haha.
but i'm not rich.
so i can only 'support' xling for a day, haha.
didnt get anything for myself cuz i'm really broke.
guess this is my last shopping session.
:(

my new study place!

havent been online to blog for more than 1 week!
was BUSY STUDYING. wahaha.
but i doubt my last min effort could help in any way.
it's gonna be another screwed up block test.
well, at least i know i tried to do my best.

found a new study place! it's pretty nice and good.
must thank my new study buddy. ISAAC!
i'm sure this time i spelled his name correctly, haha.
he recommended me to go our neighbourhood CC's study room to study.
it has quite a good environment for studying.
better than me falling asleep at home instead of studying.
but i spent 18bucks on applying for the CC and study room membership.
everything need money, even gotta 'buy' a place to study.
arrgh.
so now i shall go there more often to study!
and also to see my new found eyecandy!
wahaha.
he's a temp staff working at the CC.
i just like his sweet and polite smile.
hopefully he'll always be the one who help me exchange my pass for the study room every time i go!
hee :p