i really dont know what exactly i'm doing at this point of time.
i'm checking mails, transfering songs to my handphone and stoning in front of the computer.
seems like i got nothing better to do.
when i've tons of homework to clear.
11 essay outlines + 11 mindmaps + 2 chinese essays + whole pile of maths tutorials and practise paper.
kill me please.
i rather die.

seriously i dont feel like doing any of them.
i dont feel like studying at all.
i dont feel like taking A's anymore
can i just quit school?

cuz i know no matter what i do now isnt going to help.
i'm just drifting further and further away from my goals.
i dont think i can make it to university.
i'm just too stupid and lazy.
i've tuition for both physics and maths for many years,
but i still dont do well.
even people who dont have tuition can do better than me.
i really think i'm hopeless.

so what if i manage to just make it to university?
i cant afford it.
my parents cant, that's for sure.
and they wont pay for me.
cuz they are too broke themselves.
or rather they are not willing to spend their money on their children.
my freaking mum is going to further her studies again.
she just got her bachelor a year ago and now she wants to do her master.
damn.
does she knows how much that will cost?
if she got the money, why cant she just save up for mine and my sis's studies?
and i know she doesnt have the money.
she gonna loan from bank.
which means we'll be in debt.
and she's giving up part of her career because of her studies.
she has to forgo her weekend lessons at the centre because it clashes with some of her studies day.
this means she'll lose about 900bucks of income per month.
best.
i wonder what i'll have to eat for the next few years.
it's not as if she need the cert.
she already got a job and she's almost 50,
i really dont understand why the hell she still want to further her studies.
yes it's her interest, but what about my and my sis's future?
did she even spare a thought for us?
maybe i'm the one who is not sparing a thought for her.
sorry i'm not an understanding daughter.
but i think she's equally selfish.

so how am i going to study even if i can make it to university?
loan from bank again.
i wonder when can our family be free from debts at this rate.
and i'll have to pay for my loan myself after graduating.
use my own money to study?
i rather go work right after my A's.
or maybe just find a rich guy and marry off.
can just forget about studying.
haiz.

i'm just so disappointed with my mum.
she's not even willing to tell me and my sis about her going to do her master.
until she accidently said out a few days ago while she was out with sis and dad.
she got no choice but to tell sis everything.
so i got the info through my sis's mouth and not hers.
i really dont know what she's thinking.
neither do i know what i'm thinking.
i dont know how is our family going to hang on for the next few years with the reduce income.
if i can get into university, both mum and i will be studying.
that's mean lots of money is required every year for the next 4 years at least.
gosh.
and our stupid house is still on installment.
my smart parents gonna make me pay part of it once i've a stable job and CPF.
best.
i dont even know how long will i be staying in this house.

why are my parents like that?
why cant they be like other parents who always think and can sacrifice for their children?

i guess this is just my fate.

no matter what i said,
how much i complain,
nothing is gonna change.