just got back from mr ho.
damn tired today.
fell asleep during all the tutorial lessons.
guess i didnt sleep well last night.
was crying before i slept.

had a big quarrel with mum.
damn her.
i hate her.
really HATE her hell lots!
it started out cuz 'boi boi' was showing us her subject combinations form.
sec2 so this year streaming, have to choose combi.
she wants to choose 3 pure sciences.
she's damn smart la, top 40 of her level, sure can get in.
but mum isnt very supportive of the idea.
then she saw a subject "CL lit" and ask what is it.
it's chinese literature, a new subject in 'boi boi''s sch next year.
so mum was like "wow so your sch gonna have c.lit also? that's good!"
i knew what she was thinking so i quickly said "dont ask mei mei to take c.lit, she'll just die.
please la, i had experience taking it already.
wasted my 2 whole years getting a F9, not even reflected in my O level cert.
and i know 'boi boi' is definitely not interested.
somemore her chinese standard is not very good.

obviously mum wasnt happy with what i said.
she has this stupid thinking that our chinese must be as good as hers and forcing us to learn chinese related stuffs.
hello, your chinese is good, u love your chinese so much, u teaches chinese,
so what? that's your buisness.
it doesnt mean that our chinese must be good just because of these, and please stop forcing us to like chinese.
moreover literature is so much different from language.
almost totally different.
just like the stupid hcl i'm taking now, everything about lit, so damn difficult can.
everybody thought my chinese is so good, i'm so chee-na cuz i take hcl.
sorry, i got F for it.
and it's not like i love chinese so much, it's because i was FORCED to take chinese related subjects from young.
she never takes into considerartion of our interests at all,
just assume that we love chinese just like she do.
why cant she just understand?
i feel like telling her, "since u like chinese so much, why not emigrate to china and live there all your life?"

i dont want 'boi boi' to end up like me, i dont want her to regret.
i want her to go by her interest so i stood up for her.
in the end got scolded like dunno what.
the stupid woman started saying it's my fault that i got F9 for c.lit during O's cuz i didnt put in my haert to study.
i admit i didnt study very hard for it, but i'm not interested with it in the 1st place!
and please, that teacher sux big time, everybody agrees with that.
i rebutted that it was her who forced me to take that subject not caring if i'm interested.
she's so 'bu shuang' cuz i was like blaming her so she scolded even more.
i was damn pissed too so i rebutted every word she said.
she said parents have the right to choose for subjects combi for the chidren, if not the form wont have the part for parents signature.
so i said interest is more important.
she said interest can be developed and study is a responsibility.
sorry i dont agree with both and i wont study just because of responsibility.
until now i seriously dunno why am i and what am i studying for?
when i was young i studied because i dont want to get whacked by her.
she beat me up like dunno what when my results de-proved a little during pri sch.
maybe that's why i did very well for PSLE.
i was a freak then.
but after i entered st nics, she became too busy to care about me.
i felt so stupid to study because of her in the past.
i admit i turned bad and lazy, for 4 whole years.
i knew she was disappointed with my results so she's trying to 'control' me back now.
sorry, it's useless.
no way u gonna succeed.

i simply dont understand her, just like she dont understand me.
all parents want their chidren to get into science stream, best if can take 3 pure cuz it's supposely the 'smartest' class.
she's the exception, only she thinks that science stream is not good cuz she used to be an art student.
she dont understand the fact that we are not her!
she said everybody 'rush' to go science stream so it's hard to find jobs in the future.
so must choose a 'path' which people dont like to take.
what kind of stupid theory is that?
she's still blaming me for not choosing nyjc's art stream cuz she just love the chinese culture of the sch.
but i insisted of taking science stream so i came yj.
she said she gave me the 'freedom' to choose, yet i did so badly.
i insisted on taking physics and dropped econs, but i still failed my physics.
even failed maths, the subject i'm most 'interested' in.
she said she was very disappointed and she couldnt believe it.
well it's a fact that i failed all subjects, but i'm as disappointed too.
i know i didnt put in enough effort, but i'm already trying very hard now.
i'm already stressed enough, why cant she just understand?
she just think that it's all because i never listen to her and take art stream.
but only i know myself better!
it's not that i dont like arts subjects, but my strengh is at science subjects.
she just dont understand, i guess she never will.

she said she willl let 'boi boi' choose 3 pure if that's what she wants,
but if 'boi boi' dont do well, she will skin me instead of 'boi boi' cuz i'm the one who says interest is more important.
so it will become my fault again.
felt damn awful after the quarrel.
couldnt control the tears anymore when i was in my room.
plus all the current stress, i just broke down :'(
cried for a long long time.
stupid 'boi boi''s whole eyes turned red too, she keep saying "jie jie, dont cry. jie jie, dont cry!"
silly gal, why must u cry everytime i cry?
go ahead with your decision. if u think u can cope with 3 pure, just choose it.
jie jie will always support u.
i've 100% confidence in u, u are so hardworking, u can surely do well!
jia you for your coming end of year!
let's not care about that stupid 'empress'!

on cold war with mum now, dont feel like talking to her.
shall listen to 'boi boi' and study real hard.
the only way is to prove the 'empress' wrong and do well for my promos.
I CAN DO IT! *hopefully*